Hello there. I want to tell you a little story back from my corporate days about a leader and a big mistake that I saw them make over and over again. Eventually I saw that there was a pattern, and since then I've noticed it among other leaders. And even when I work with entrepreneurs who are growing their teams, I see this happening today. It's very easy to do. We all do it because we're all humans. We just may do it in different ways or with different aspects of our life.

But today I want to talk specifically about how I see this done with your team. So here's what happened. I had a boss who hyper focused on a single team member and constantly criticized them or thought to themselves, even if they didn't take the feedback to the person, thought to themselves that that person just wasn't meeting standards. And there was so much hyper focus on that one person until eventually she'd fire them. And the problem was, it wouldn't be the end. The cycle would start over and she'd begin to hyperfocus on another person until she let them go, and then another, and then another. There was actually a running joke that whoever sat at a specific desk would be the next one to go. It's almost as if she moved people closer to her to keep an eye on them, but then she'd let them go.

That just gave her more visibility and more evidence into what they were doing wrong. Now, we talked about this on a recent mastermind call, and a client of mine had a name for this that was hysterical, and I want to share it. She said that this was having a bec. And I was like, okay. Like, she typed that in the comments was like, you're going to have to tell us what that means. What do you mean, becoming? And she said, it's a bitch eating crackers.

Now, she had to go on to explain, and so I'm going to do the same for you. She said it's when you don't like someone and it doesn't matter what they're doing. They could be minding their own business, just eating some crackers, and you're just like, look at her. She's such a bitch. Just over there, look at the way she's eating those crackers and just finding things to be wrong about them. Okay, I thought that was hysterical and in part because I've seen it over and over again just in life, right, with humans, with women. But in this case, again, we're talking about team members, and it's not so funny when you're on the receiving end. And to be honest, if you don't realize you're doing this, then it's not so funny, even for yourself.

It creates so much pain and suffering, so much suffering for yourself. And so how do you know if you're doing this? Well, I want you to think about the person that does something that frustrates you or annoys you or that you just don't agree with. And I want you to think about something specific that they did recently or said recently. And I want you to think about how you reacted to it, what you thought. And then I want you to think of a different person. Someone you love, someone you adore, someone who, no matter what they do, can't do anything wrong, whether it's a child or your favorite employee or anyone. I want you to think about this person, and then I want you to imagine that they did or said the same exact thing. Do you have the same thoughts or feelings? The funny thing is, I actually asked that question to one of my clients, and she was so frustrated, obviously frustrated with one team member.

But when I asked about another team member doing the same thing who I knew that she loved, she said she would just laugh it off. And that's how you know if you have that different response, that there's something going on with your thoughts about a person and that you're likely finding evidence and using things that they do or say to really create that evidence to prove your thought. The problem is the thoughts are not facts. Your thoughts are not facts. And when you go find that evidence to prove your thoughts, you're building a case against someone. Except it's not a case built on facts. It would not stand up in the court of law. So before you give someone feedback, whether good or bad, by the way, this doesn't just have to be something bad.

Even that example of someone you love, like, have you ever heard the golden boy or favorite child or whatever? It can be good, too. You can have a bias towards someone good that they can't do anything wrong. So this could go either way. So before you give that feedback, good or bad, to a team member, you really need to separate the thoughts from facts. And what this means is that you need to do what I call clean leading. So let's dive into what that means. What is clean leading? What do you need to be thinking about? How do you know if you're clean leading? So first, clean leading is all about coaching yourself first so that you're separating those facts from your thoughts and feelings. You're not going to take action to give someone feedback unless it's based on facts.

If that's coming from your thoughts or it's coming from your feelings solely, you want to go back to the facts and make sure that you're giving feedback based on what actually happened, not just your opinion or perception of it. This is so important because what that means is before you react in the moment, you may actually need some time to step away and to process something. It's so easy to react in the moment and give quick feedback, again, good or bad. But oftentimes, unfortunately for team members, the bad feedback, the difficult feedback, is done in the moment and it's not received well. Because the way that leaders communicate in the moment is by sharing their thoughts and feelings, which because they aren't true, the team member discounts because that's not their intention. If you've ever heard that, well, that wasn't my intention. That's because you're sharing something that is your opinion of their motivation behind it versus just looking at the facts of what actually was said or done. So coaching yourself first.

So again, that means separating facts from your thoughts and feelings. So what you're going to do in order to do this is think about what happened and make sure that after you kind of brainstorm everything about what happened, you go back and you remove everything that was just your opinion that you can't prove that everyone who saw it, everyone who heard it, couldn't agree on. And just go back to the facts. Okay? And then think about what you want to believe about those facts. And I encourage you to assume the best. Okay? So first, you coach yourself. Second, and really connected to this is you focus on what you can control. And spoiler alert, it's not your team member that you can control.

This is where I start to talk about or teach clients about the difference between feeling in control versus being controlling. Feeling in control comes from ownership of your thoughts and intentionally choosing what to think versus being controlling, which is the action that you're taking trying to get a result, often coming from a place of fear or impatience or just mistrust frustration. So you're going to focus on what you can control, which is only yourself. Only you. Which is why that coaching yourself first thing was so important. So before you ever have a conversation with a team member, you're already regrouping in your own mind to figure out what actually can I control and what can I not control? So that when you go into a conversation to lead someone, you're already detached from the outcome you're there focused on. Yes, you can communicate expectations, but not trying to force them to meet them. They have a choice and there are consequences of those choices, but you can't force them to do what you want them to do.

You're going to detach from that outcome and show up from a different place, from a clean place. You have clean thoughts because you've separated out what you can and can't control. Third, you're going to shift from focusing on how this impacts you and you're going to shift into curiosity and compassion. So what this means is even though you're going to take ownership of your thoughts and what you can control, which is looking more towards you with your thoughts, you're going to, in the conversation, really focus on them from a place of, again, curiosity and compassion, which means you're going to not be the victim. You're not going to show up selfishly harping on the impact to you, how this is annoying and frustrating and all of that. Now, this is different than stating the facts about how their behavior is impacting the company. There's a difference, right, between the facts behind the impact versus being a victim to it. And we've got to separate that and approach this conversation again, detached, but seeking to really understand where they're coming from.

You have to separate your own intentions, your own hopes and desires, and really go into it just focused on uncovering their thoughts and how that's driving their feelings, their actions and results so that you can coach them. You want to help them see their thinking and you want to help them take ownership over their own results. But the only way to do that is to lead from that clean place. Not muddying the waters with all of your own selfish desires. You want to really make it about them and how they can improve. Once you're detached and you know that your own feelings are in your control now, you're going to hold space, you're going to compartmentalize and really focus on helping them. This is clean leading. It's doing the work, which isn't always easy, to really coach yourself first and show up to a conversation, not selfishly with some intention or motive behind it, but to just help them, to coach them, to show them their thinking, to help them see how they can step into their own power and take control of their results, good or bad, without again muddying those waters and really spilling all of your drama into the conversation.

This is something that you're going to work on as long as you're leading. It's never something that you just master and you're done and check the box. You have to intentionally focus on this every single time you have a conversation with a team member to give them feedback. Again, good or bad, you need to look at your motives behind it and make sure you've coached yourself first. So you show up ready to focus on them. You've taken care of yourself, and now you can focus on them.